Deep Thoughts, Schedules, and Changes

7-29-12
At first the day went by rather quickly; we worked from 7am-9:40, went to church from 10-12, then came back and had lunch. After that I took a nap; initially I was only going to lay down for forty minutes or so, but that quickly changed into a two hour “nap”. I got up, had a snack and then decided to read some more of the Hunger Games. I’m on the third and final book now, these books have been with me throughout my time in Uganda…it’ll be weird once I’ve finished them, which should be within the next week if not the next couple days. I don’t want to finish the book today, which, with all the free time I have, could be a very real possibility. Having no power allows for very little distraction, and also makes me hesitant to use my computer/internet because I want to save as much power/internet time as I can. There are times when days like this (with so much down time) are great, I can just relax and not worry about anything. There are other times, however, like today, when I don’t like days like today because it just gives me a lot of time to think and reflect…which I don’t particularly enjoy.
It’s been pointed out to me in the past that I can be rather hard on myself, and maybe that’s true to some degree. But as I reflect on my life and how I act/think/feel at times, I feel I’m pretty accurate, if not too light, in my assessment of myself. I guess that’s how a lot of us are wired though isn’t it? We always see the ways in which we could improve or where we could have done better instead of thinking of things we’ve done well…I guess that’s why God gave us friends and family, to remind us of the good things J. I keep wondering whether or not I’ve changed in the nearly two months I’ve spent in Uganda. Part of me thinks that surely I must have changed being in such a different culture for an extended period of time, being exposed to so many different (at times shocking) things. But another part of me still feels very much the same as when I left home. I’m sure it’s hard to see any changes firsthand because it’s gradual, it sneaks up on you at times. I wonder if it would be more evident to people back home, if it will be a shocker when I step off the plane and am a whole new person.
I wonder what hidden things have changed in me that I’m not even aware of, things that may not be triggered until I’m back home. I wonder what things have stayed (and will stay) the same, and why. I wonder how my life, my “road less traveled” is going to look now that I took this step in coming to Uganda. What things have I unknowingly put into action, and what things have I quenched forever. What old parts of me are going to be left here, left in this country I’ve wanted to come to since I was 12. What bits and pieces of me are being molded and formed into a new creation. Maybe it’ll take me days, weeks, months, years to see it…maybe I’ll never see it. Whatever the result is of my living in Uganda this summer, I’m glad I came, and I hope/pray that God changes me through this experience. I pray that I’m not only changed, but changed for the better; changed to resemble more and more the woman God designed me to be.



Baby Michelle

7-31-12
Yesterday was my first full day at the Babies Home in Gulu, and it went by really fast. I worked with a baby named Oscar from 7-11 (from 9-10:30 he took a nap though, so I played with the toddlers). Oscar came in as a severely malnourished baby and people weren’t even sure if he’d survive. Now, however, he is 10 times better; he’s fatter and eating more. After taking care of Oscar until 11 Ashley (another volunteer) and I painted the clinic building on the Watoto property until 12:30 (lunch time). From 12:30-2 we had a lunch break and decided to go home for lunch. From 2-3:30 Ashley and I continued painting the clinic and then I went home. I watched a couple episodes of Gilmore Girls with Rebecca (another volunteer that was in Buziga with me during my first month), then we had dinner, and then we all watched a few episodes of One Tree Hill in the living room because we wanted to take advantage of the power being on. Today was a lot like yesterday except that from 7-8:20ish I took care of Oscar, then 8:30-9:15 went to devotions at church with the other volunteers and some Watoto staff, then after that until lunch Ashley and I were painting again, we came home for lunch (and took a quick nap), then we went back to work and Rebecca and I folded some clothes and I started feeding Oscar before we left at 3:30. The days seem to go by so much quicker here than in Kampala, and I’m not sure why.
Today I experienced another first in Uganda, and not an exciting one. Today was the first time that a baby I took care of died. Little baby Michelle from the Babies Home in Kampala (yeah, we have/had the same name) died yesterday. One of the volunteers that’s still in Buziga texted me today to tell me. I still haven’t really wrapped my head around it, or thought about it much to be honest. It’s probably because there’s been someone around since I found out, and I don’t like crying in front of people. Tomorrow is my day off though, so there will probably be a free for all cry fest in my room. Baby Michelle had a heart defect (I can’t really remember what it was), but she needed surgery and the hospitals in Uganda couldn’t perform it. Watoto was looking into ways of getting Michelle to India or the States for the operation, but they needed to raise around $15,000 to cover all of the expenses, apparently they weren’t able to…at least not in time. I just keep seeing her cute little face with her hair in little pom-poms all over her head. She would laugh whenever I kissed her hands; it was one of those toothless smiles that just melts your heart. I wish I would’ve gotten a picture with her before I left. I have one of her, but it’s just of her sleeping, it’s better than nothing, but it doesn’t quite capture her how I remember her.

8-1-12
I have a feeling I’m going to like my schedule in Gulu. I work Mondays and Tuesdays, have Wednesdays and Thursdays off, work Fridays Saturdays and Sundays, but weekends are only half days. I feel like I’m going to have a lot of free time. So since today is Wednesday I had the day off. It started with reading some Scripture in the morning after eating breakfast. Then I walked to the grocery store (Uchumi is the name of the biggest store branch here) and got some essentials because my food shelf is getting pretty bare. Then I walked back home and finished my quiet time. My quiet time today was really nice, it was a couple hours long, and I just seemed to really connect with a lot of what I was reading. After that I took a nap for a couple hours (the power was off pretty much all day)and then I got up and decided to read a book. Since I finished the last Hunger Games book last night (loved it by the way) I needed to find other books in the Gulu house to pass the time with. I looked through the bookshelf in the living room. I picked out around a dozen after judging them by their covers/titles (I hear you’re not supposed to do that,but oh well) and then I read the backs of them to get an idea of what he book was about. I got it narrowed down to three: Revolutionary Road (which I started reading today), A Thousand Tomorrows, and The Reader. I have 5 weeks (exactly) until I’m home…five weeks to read three books, challenge accepted. I started Revolutionary Road this afternoon and am already nearly 100 pages into it. It’s a lot better than I expected it to be, I like how the author (Richard Yates) writes. He’s able to describe a scene so vividly with few words…I like that, simple but sufficient. The story isn’t bad either, the characters in this book are really real, flaws and inappropriate thoughts or actions to situations. I like the honesty in the book.
Tomorrow my roommates and I have the day off, except for Alicia. That poor girl never (and I mean never) gets a day off because she’s a doctor. But Ashley, Rebecca and I are planning on having a bonding day and getting dinner/dessert prepared so Alicia won’t have to do anything after work. I’m also going to get to skype with my mom and Sarina—one of my best friends in the world! I’m really excited about it! Hopefully I’ll be able to use the free internet at The Coffee Hut to not only skype, but also to look up graduate schools and their programs. I’ve been slacking A LOT in looking into graduate schools I want to apply to once I get back home…probably not the smartest move.

Baby Daniella smiling up at me...SO cute!

Isn't she cute?!?

8-4-12
Today is our second or third day without water, and yesterday was the first time we had power in two days. I’m going to need a serious shower tomorrow if the power/water doesn’t come on tonight. The past couple of days at the Babies Home I’ve been in “isolation” with a baby named Daniella. She’s in isolation because she was really sick for a while and she couldn’t be exposed to any of the healthy babies. She is SO adorable and fantastic, and pretty easy to take care of. All she does it eat, sleep, and poop…and she fusses a bit when she gets hungry and tired, but it usually isn’t too horrible. My days were her are as follows:
7-7:30ish—wake up, change, weigh, take vitals (heart rate, respiratory rate, oxygen levels, temperature), make bottle, feed.
7:30-8:30ish—play
8:30—get ready for nap (swaddle, calm her down)
9-10:30—nap time
10:30-11—wake up, change, take vitals, make bottle, feed
11-11:30--play
12-1—nap time
1-1:30—wake up, change, take vitals, make bottle, feed
1:30-2—play
2-3—nap time
3-3:30—wake up, change, take vitals, make bottle, feed
And then I’m done. Morning shift is from 7-3:30 on weekdays and 7-1 on weekends. Taking care of Daniella has been so great, when I walk in to wake her up at various times during the day she always greets me with a toothless smile/laugh. She’s such a happy and beautiful baby; I took some pictures and videos of her today and I’ll (hopefully) be loading them later today. I actually get to skype my mom and Sarina today—Thursday when we tried Sarina’s alarm was set wrong and the connection during my conversation with my mom was really poor. But I did get graduate school stuff started—I e-mailed one of my old professors from UWSP on some questions so once I hear back from her I’ll be able to get an even better idea of what schools I’ll be applying to once I’m back home.
After today I only have29 days left in Uganda…and even less time in Gulu. I feel like I’m just starting to get to know the babies and nannies here and I’m sure I’ll feel like I have to leave too soon once the time comes.

8-5-12
I’ve been in Uganda exactly two months today. African time is funny—on one hand it feels like I’ve been here a whole lot longer than a couple months, but on the other hand, there are times when I feel like the time is going by so fast, like I only arrived a few weeks ago. When I think about all I’ve gotten the chance to do and experience, and the people I’ve gotten to meet during my time here so far it seems amazing that it has all fit into two months.
I will definitely be excited, and maybe even ready, to go home in four weeks, but I know it’s also going to be hard leaving this place, the people, and the babies. It’ll be hard living back at home for a year trying to figure out where God’s next path is going to take me. It’ll be hard working in a factory away from my high school and college friends. It’ll be hard to feel connected to them and hard to reach out to them, but I know that staying in touch with them is going to be crucial.
It’s going to be hard going into another fall/winter basically the same person—at least I feel like the same person. There are so many things about myself I want to tweak or even change altogether, but time after time I remain virtually the same—partly because I’m pretty lazy at times, but also because I’m scared. I don’t know who I’ll be if I change some things about me. My aim is to change for the better, but what if it ends up being for the worse? And then my over-analyzing brain takes it from there.
Do you ever wonder if your life is making any kind of difference? Like if there’s anything in the long-run that you impacted, anything you did or said or even thought that wasn’t about helping yourself? Like if you could take George Bailey’s spot in “It’s a Wonderful Life”, you’d jump at the chance to see the big picture of your life. I don’t know, maybe I’m just in a funk right now, thinking about transitioning back into American culture or something, but I feel like, and to a certain degree I know that, I could be such a better version of myself than I am right now. I’m not saying this version is the crapiest thing ever, and I’m not looking for compliments, but I do know I could be better.
Isn’t that the curse of the Fall though? We see  bits and pieces of us, maybe whole sections, that we’d like to change—and maybe those changes are realistic, maybe they’re not. But whether or not we go through with those changes there are always going to be other changes we find. There are always going to be things we could improve about ourselves—and there are definitely times to make those improvements/changes. But we/I need to remember that I’m never going to be perfect, and to spend time worrying, stressing, losing sleep over trying to be perfect isn’t helping anyone—least of all me.
I need to learn (again) what it’s like to surrender everything to God. Each moment of each day looking at the good and the bad, future decisions and past mistakes and choosing to give them up to God instead of dwelling on them. I need to learn, and continue learning, how it looks for me to be in relationship with God, what it looks like for Him to be the biggest part, the biggest priority in my life.