7-9-12
Today I found out that Justin is most likely having seizures when he tenses up every couple minutes. There are 3 nurses living in the Buziga house with me, so finding out what may be going on with Justin wasn’t too difficult. It made me feel a little better knowing that even if he were in the States there isn’t much more we could do for him to help alleviate his pain. But my heart still breaks and I feel sick when I think about the pain he has to go through constantly day after day. I don’t understand what the point is. I don’t understand what I’m supposed to be learning from this; I don’t get what God is trying to teach me/show me…I’m just angry at and confused as to why these babies (and tons of babies around the world) have to go through such pain. I had a quiet time early this morning, about an hour or so ago, and I read some Scripture, journaled, and prayed a bit. I read psalm 40, and the first line talks about waiting patiently for the Lord. I’m not very good at that. I want to know what the reason is for these children suffering right now, I want to know what I’m supposed to learn from this now. I prayed that God would help me learn to wait patiently on Him because I know I can’t do it myself (I’ve tried, and failed, many times).
I feel like I’m finding out who I really am on this trip. I’ve realized it’s hard for me to tell who I really am and who people expect me to be. I don’t know if who I am and who people expect me to be are the same person or if I’ve just figured out how to live seamlessly, simultaneously as the two. Maybe I’m just emotional and over-analyzing everything (wouldn’t be the first time). But I feel like I’m discovering new things about myself through being here. This morning I prayed God would let me experience emotion, not just experience, but express. I feel emotion, quite intensely at times, but I very rarely show it or talk about it. I don’t share my emotions because, well, that means being vulnerable and open with people—meaning I’d be open to rejection and ridicule. But the side I often don’t see is that being vulnerable with people allows us to connect on such a deeper level, it allows me to go through things with someone. Plus, God gave us emotions for a reason. Stifling or pushing down emotions (good or bad) probably isn’t the healthiest thing to do.
Today I found out that Justin is most likely having seizures when he tenses up every couple minutes. There are 3 nurses living in the Buziga house with me, so finding out what may be going on with Justin wasn’t too difficult. It made me feel a little better knowing that even if he were in the States there isn’t much more we could do for him to help alleviate his pain. But my heart still breaks and I feel sick when I think about the pain he has to go through constantly day after day. I don’t understand what the point is. I don’t understand what I’m supposed to be learning from this; I don’t get what God is trying to teach me/show me…I’m just angry at and confused as to why these babies (and tons of babies around the world) have to go through such pain. I had a quiet time early this morning, about an hour or so ago, and I read some Scripture, journaled, and prayed a bit. I read psalm 40, and the first line talks about waiting patiently for the Lord. I’m not very good at that. I want to know what the reason is for these children suffering right now, I want to know what I’m supposed to learn from this now. I prayed that God would help me learn to wait patiently on Him because I know I can’t do it myself (I’ve tried, and failed, many times).
I feel like I’m finding out who I really am on this trip. I’ve realized it’s hard for me to tell who I really am and who people expect me to be. I don’t know if who I am and who people expect me to be are the same person or if I’ve just figured out how to live seamlessly, simultaneously as the two. Maybe I’m just emotional and over-analyzing everything (wouldn’t be the first time). But I feel like I’m discovering new things about myself through being here. This morning I prayed God would let me experience emotion, not just experience, but express. I feel emotion, quite intensely at times, but I very rarely show it or talk about it. I don’t share my emotions because, well, that means being vulnerable and open with people—meaning I’d be open to rejection and ridicule. But the side I often don’t see is that being vulnerable with people allows us to connect on such a deeper level, it allows me to go through things with someone. Plus, God gave us emotions for a reason. Stifling or pushing down emotions (good or bad) probably isn’t the healthiest thing to do.
7-11-12
Yesterday was the three year anniversary of the night I became a Christian. I never wouldn’t have guessed then that three years from that night I would be in Uganda living out my dream; God is good! I feel like I haven’t mentioned Cara and Candice much yet, they are sisters from Mississippi. Cara is going into her senior year of high school and Candice is going into her last year of college to get her nursing degree. These two have been SO sweet, generous and kind the past couple weeks they’ve been in Buziga. They’ve been in Uganda for a little over a month, but have only been in Buziga for a couple of weeks. Not only do they encapsulate Southern Hospitality, but they are some of the most generous people I’ve even met. They’ve paid for me when we’ve ridden on the matatus together so many times I can’t even count it anymore, and they’ve even bought lunch for me when we’ve gone out to lunch a couple of times. They’ve been such a blessing and have also showed me what living generously looks like. I thought I was a pretty generous person, but after spending a few weeks with these girls I realize how skimpy my “generosity” really is.
I’m not putting myself down or anything, I’m actually extremely happy to be learning this. I feel like I didn’t love people quite as well as I could have with my type of generosity, but the way Cara and Candice blessed me with their kindness made me feel WAY more loved than I would have thought. It felt (and still feels) very weird to accept their generosity and not feel like I have to pay them back. But that’s what a gift is, isn’t it—it’s something you give with no expectation of getting something back. I feel like many times when I’m generous with whatever, I feel like I’ve kept track of things I’ve given them or given up for them and have a tally of what they owe me. If I do that my “gifts” aren’t coming from a loving place at all. Doing something nice for someone to get something nice back in return isn’t generous at all, in fact it’s pretty darn selfish. I love learning these things about myself. Yeah it makes me feel gross and ridiculous for some of the ways I think/act…but they give me such amazing opportunities to grow!
The special needs room and I are getting along much better as well. The Lord has just given me a real sense of peace about the boys’ situations in that room. He’s also shown me that it’s okay to not be in the special needs room every day. I felt like I had to be in there to make sure the boys were all taken care of properly, but the fact of the matter is that those boys were in there before I got there and they’ll be there when I leave so I need to get okay with not being with them each day I’m at work. I’ve been working a little in the “Monkey Room” the past couple of days (honestly it’s only been for bits at a time before I sneak back and go to my boys again, but I’m working on it) J. But the Monkey Room is where the youngest babies are and OH.MY.GOSH. are they ADORABLE!! When they smile with their toothless gums I just about lose it! I think toothless smiles (on a baby) are in the top 5 of the cutest things on the earth. It’s crazy to think that in high school and even the first year or two of college I didn’t really understand or like young kids very much; late middle school and high school age was about all I could tolerate, and now I LOVE babies. Not even just babies, toddlers, and pre-k kids.
I bought a lot of souvenirs on Monday in Kampala and today as well at a market called “Owino”. I don’t know what it means, but I know we needed to have our roommate Mitch there to feel safe…and to get good prices. This market was HUGE and had just about anything and everything you could want. I got my brother’s souvenir and a black Ugandan soccer jersey for me, and a pair of running shoes for when I get back home (they were equivalent to around $14US!) In other parts of Kampala on Monday I got my sisters souvenir, a postcard for my cousin Sandy, and gifts for my friends Kyah, Sarina, and Amanda. There are a few things I want to add to my friends gifts, and gifts for my parents and grandparents, but other than that I’m all done souvenir shopping…and under budget I might add J.
Yesterday was the three year anniversary of the night I became a Christian. I never wouldn’t have guessed then that three years from that night I would be in Uganda living out my dream; God is good! I feel like I haven’t mentioned Cara and Candice much yet, they are sisters from Mississippi. Cara is going into her senior year of high school and Candice is going into her last year of college to get her nursing degree. These two have been SO sweet, generous and kind the past couple weeks they’ve been in Buziga. They’ve been in Uganda for a little over a month, but have only been in Buziga for a couple of weeks. Not only do they encapsulate Southern Hospitality, but they are some of the most generous people I’ve even met. They’ve paid for me when we’ve ridden on the matatus together so many times I can’t even count it anymore, and they’ve even bought lunch for me when we’ve gone out to lunch a couple of times. They’ve been such a blessing and have also showed me what living generously looks like. I thought I was a pretty generous person, but after spending a few weeks with these girls I realize how skimpy my “generosity” really is.
I’m not putting myself down or anything, I’m actually extremely happy to be learning this. I feel like I didn’t love people quite as well as I could have with my type of generosity, but the way Cara and Candice blessed me with their kindness made me feel WAY more loved than I would have thought. It felt (and still feels) very weird to accept their generosity and not feel like I have to pay them back. But that’s what a gift is, isn’t it—it’s something you give with no expectation of getting something back. I feel like many times when I’m generous with whatever, I feel like I’ve kept track of things I’ve given them or given up for them and have a tally of what they owe me. If I do that my “gifts” aren’t coming from a loving place at all. Doing something nice for someone to get something nice back in return isn’t generous at all, in fact it’s pretty darn selfish. I love learning these things about myself. Yeah it makes me feel gross and ridiculous for some of the ways I think/act…but they give me such amazing opportunities to grow!
The special needs room and I are getting along much better as well. The Lord has just given me a real sense of peace about the boys’ situations in that room. He’s also shown me that it’s okay to not be in the special needs room every day. I felt like I had to be in there to make sure the boys were all taken care of properly, but the fact of the matter is that those boys were in there before I got there and they’ll be there when I leave so I need to get okay with not being with them each day I’m at work. I’ve been working a little in the “Monkey Room” the past couple of days (honestly it’s only been for bits at a time before I sneak back and go to my boys again, but I’m working on it) J. But the Monkey Room is where the youngest babies are and OH.MY.GOSH. are they ADORABLE!! When they smile with their toothless gums I just about lose it! I think toothless smiles (on a baby) are in the top 5 of the cutest things on the earth. It’s crazy to think that in high school and even the first year or two of college I didn’t really understand or like young kids very much; late middle school and high school age was about all I could tolerate, and now I LOVE babies. Not even just babies, toddlers, and pre-k kids.
I bought a lot of souvenirs on Monday in Kampala and today as well at a market called “Owino”. I don’t know what it means, but I know we needed to have our roommate Mitch there to feel safe…and to get good prices. This market was HUGE and had just about anything and everything you could want. I got my brother’s souvenir and a black Ugandan soccer jersey for me, and a pair of running shoes for when I get back home (they were equivalent to around $14US!) In other parts of Kampala on Monday I got my sisters souvenir, a postcard for my cousin Sandy, and gifts for my friends Kyah, Sarina, and Amanda. There are a few things I want to add to my friends gifts, and gifts for my parents and grandparents, but other than that I’m all done souvenir shopping…and under budget I might add J.
Cara, Anna, and Me
Rosemary, Marie-Louise, Annette, Anna, and Candice
7-13-12
Today was a really good day again, it went by very quickly. I worked with my special needs boys again, but I think next week I’m going to try and switch it up more and work in other rooms as well. Today Cara and Candice left at 5:30. It’s so weird that they’re gone already, and this coming Wednesday Anna will be gone too! And then Anna, Rosemary, and Annette will be gone on safari from Friday-Sunday…I’ll basically be on my own over the weekend which has good and bad points to it. I just brought down my Bible and a few other things in order to have a quiet time tonight, and in my Bible Cara and Candice left me a surprise. This morning I left them a simple note because I wasn’t sure I’d be back from work before they were picked up to go to the airport, and they gave me a sweet note and 130 some Ugandan Shillings!! Those girls are TOO good to me! I really hope I can meet up with them sometime in the States, that would be interesting…hanging out with people in America that I’ve only known and interacted with in Africa. I’m quite sad that so many people are leaving, and I can’t believe that it’s already nearly midway through July!! Where has the time gone?!
I’ve been recently thinking of the things I need to do once I get back home, and it’s a little anxiety provoking. I need to do the following:
1. Apply for jobs
2. Process my trip, what God has taught me over the past three months
3. Find out what I want to do in graduate school
4. Apply to graduate school
-remind my professors about recommendation letters 1 month before deadline
-update resume
-write my academic vita
5. Create a budget for the year
6. Create payment plan for school loans
and I’m sure there are other things I should do as well, but I can’t think of them at the moment. Tomorrow is mine and Anna’s day off and we’re thinking of going to Cassia Lodge and lay out in the sun—I’m still as white as ever! I’m debating whether or not I want to take Wednesday off instead of Monday so that I could go to the airport with Anna to say goodbye next week…I probably will.
Last night Annette, Rosemary, and Anna made the house tacos, they were SO good, and they also bought ice cream for dessert and made a really good chocolate sauce to go over it. After that we went out to the backyard, made a bonfire and made s’mores. I was out there for a couple of hours, but by the time 10:30 rolled around I had to get to bed. I must have had 10 s’mores that night, plus a few more roasted/burned marshmallows separately. It was such a fun night!
Hey Michelle,
ReplyDeleteI was thrilled when I got up this morning for 2 reasons 1} we were going to talk today ( Saturday) and not Sunday. and 2} when I got up and went on the computer I saw your blog was updated. YAY It is shorter then they had been in the past but boy did you pack a lot of info in it. " Your" boys are adorable you just want to jump through the screen and hug them. You never cease to amaze us Bella. We are so very proud of you and love you Buko Bunches!!
Mama and Papa